Things I have lost

What a difference four years has made in my life.  I continue to survive, albeit more tainted and scarred on a daily basis.  I suffer from "why me" syndrome and have yet to figure out WHY ME.

In 2010, with no fertility drugs and seemingly no trying, Mark and I found out I was pregnant with our third child.  Our first son Daniel was born too soon in January 2006.  And then we had an early loss in the summer of 2006.  We had all but given up on having our own biological child and we had been fostering babies.  About 15 in all.  We had almost adopted three children and had all three adoptions fail as well.

And so when we found out I was pregnant at age 42 with no trying, we thought for sure this would be our miracle baby.  The baby we named "Angel" was indeed a miracle child, just not in the way we wanted.  I was having cramping and bleeding and so went for an ultrasound.  What the doctor originally thought was a miscarriage or a UTI was, in fact, too many tumors in my bladder to count.  With Angel, we lost our third baby and found Stage 3 cancer invading my bladder.

I started chemo in December 2010.  Mark sat by my side for my 8 to 10 hour chemotherapy infusions, in three week intervals.  Chemotherapy is exhausting.  It takes away any dignity (and hair) that you might have had.  To this day I will still say that chemo is NOT as bad as they make it out to be on television and in the movies.  It's no walk in the park, but for me, it was worth it.  It shrunk my tumors down to nothing.

After some rest and recovery from the chemo, on March 24, 2011, I went in for surgery.  In 12 hours and with three surgeons on hand, I had my bladder and uterus removed.  And I had a new and improved bladder (Indiana Pouch) built out of my intestines.  When I awoke from surgery, I wanted to die.  I never ever want to go through that surgery again.  Ever.

I now catheterize through my belly button stoma.  I can pee standing up!  I've had set backs over the past few years, been hospitalized three times for a week at a time.  I've had infections.  I've had abscesses.  I'm still here, and still cancer-free.  I guess that's what counts, right?

In the fall of 2011, Mark and I added to our family of adopted dogs.  We found "Picard" listed at our local shelter.  He was dropped at the shelter because he had a baseball sized tumor on his leg.  He has cancer.  His kidneys are failing.  He is deaf.  And he's still kicking around and keeping us on our toes!

In January 2012, we became licensed again to foster.  We got our nursery ready.  Just a week after getting our license, we had a 15 month old baby girl placed with us.  Fell in love instantly.  Went through hell with her step father.  She became part of our life, part of our family and part of our friends' lives as well.  She lived with us for over a year.  We had huge hopes of adopting her.  And then an Aunt from another state who had never met her came into the picture.  And on March 1, 2013 we said goodbye to Kyler.  One of the saddest days of our lives.

To list everything and everyone that I have lost in my 45 years.....my little sister, my Father, my friends, three babies, my ability to have children, my bladder, four foster children that I had hopes of adopting.  And in that same 45 years, I have gained some amazing friends who have stuck by my side though the lunacy that is my life.  I have the most supportive, caring, loving, and all-around amazing husband in the world.  I have the Three Stooges.  I have my health, such as it is.  I have a nice roof over my head and food in my stomach and a man who loves me and who I love tremendously.

I am blessed.