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Sunday, May 12, 2013
Diagnosis
This is what my "official diagnosis" was for the hospitalization this time:
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Happy Mother's Day
Happy Mother's Day to all the women out there, especially the Moms who don't have a child here today to hug.
http://www.gofundme.com/2g6mss
http://www.gofundme.com/2g6mss
Saturday, May 11, 2013
Death....again
I always wonder if death hits everyone in the same way that it hits me. Even the death of people I haven't known/seen in years, the death of celebrities, the death of pets....hits the core of my being. Why does it affect me so deeply?
While I was in the hospital, I found out that my high school friend Bryan had lost his baby girl Fable.....in my mind, I had always called Fable "the three-legged dog". I believe I knew of Fable prior to her having her leg removed, but I mostly remember when she was going through the amputation. I never met Fable, and haven't even seen Bryan since 1986....but I mourn for his loss. I want to make the pain of Fable's death go away. And honestly, there is nothing I can do. The loss of a pet, to some people, is the loss of family. I get that. I feel for Bryan and his family. I feel odd mentioning my Three Stooges, as Bryan used to also have three Stooges. I hope that the memories, and many photos, help the healing process.
Also while in the hospital, I discovered that a past co-worker had passed away from brain cancer. She was 44 years old. She had four children. Karen and I didn't always get along very well....we were both very competitive and clashed in the workplace. But I feel a guilt that I JUST found out about her death, two years after the fact. How could I not have known? We were once friends on Facebook, right around the time I imagine she was diagnosed, and she never mentioned anything. I feel for her husband, her four adult children. Karen is one of many past coworkers to pass away from this particular job, in New Hampshire.
I can feel the time coming where we'll have to make a decision about Mrs. She is 13 years old. She just isn't spunky like she used to be. Her tail barely curls anymore. The selfish part of me wants her to pass away in her sleep, so that no decisions have to be made. I don't know how I could make such a decision.
I remember when my Father was on life support in Boston. Three days he was in a medically induced coma. 80% of his heart had died. He passed away in his sleep in the early morning, on the day that we were to make the decision on whether to end his life. Decision made for us. The easy way out?
Sometimes, many times, I wonder why all of these people/beings have passed on before me.....when it seems like it should have been me, years ago. Sounds silly, but I wonder sometimes if there is some purpose to me still being alive?
While I was in the hospital, I found out that my high school friend Bryan had lost his baby girl Fable.....in my mind, I had always called Fable "the three-legged dog". I believe I knew of Fable prior to her having her leg removed, but I mostly remember when she was going through the amputation. I never met Fable, and haven't even seen Bryan since 1986....but I mourn for his loss. I want to make the pain of Fable's death go away. And honestly, there is nothing I can do. The loss of a pet, to some people, is the loss of family. I get that. I feel for Bryan and his family. I feel odd mentioning my Three Stooges, as Bryan used to also have three Stooges. I hope that the memories, and many photos, help the healing process.
Also while in the hospital, I discovered that a past co-worker had passed away from brain cancer. She was 44 years old. She had four children. Karen and I didn't always get along very well....we were both very competitive and clashed in the workplace. But I feel a guilt that I JUST found out about her death, two years after the fact. How could I not have known? We were once friends on Facebook, right around the time I imagine she was diagnosed, and she never mentioned anything. I feel for her husband, her four adult children. Karen is one of many past coworkers to pass away from this particular job, in New Hampshire.
I can feel the time coming where we'll have to make a decision about Mrs. She is 13 years old. She just isn't spunky like she used to be. Her tail barely curls anymore. The selfish part of me wants her to pass away in her sleep, so that no decisions have to be made. I don't know how I could make such a decision.
I remember when my Father was on life support in Boston. Three days he was in a medically induced coma. 80% of his heart had died. He passed away in his sleep in the early morning, on the day that we were to make the decision on whether to end his life. Decision made for us. The easy way out?
Sometimes, many times, I wonder why all of these people/beings have passed on before me.....when it seems like it should have been me, years ago. Sounds silly, but I wonder sometimes if there is some purpose to me still being alive?
Before the hospitalization
On Thursday I had an appointment with my psychiatrist. He's a good guy and makes me feel better just talking with him. Mark came in with me this time. I wanted Mark to know more about OCD than I could explain.
Doctor Michael explained that it was perfectly "normal" for my OCD symptoms to have become more pronounced over the past few months, with everything that had been going on with Baby Girl and court and her leaving. He would have been shocked had I NOT shown more symptoms as of late. He also explained that although OCD is looked at as a bad affliction, there are SOME good traits to have associated with OCD. My house is clean. My life is relatively organized. My parenting skills are sharp.
I brought with me my blog entitled "I'm quirky". He admitted he had not had a patient with a grease phobia before. However, his thought is that it's not a horrible phobia to have, as grease is not healthy anyway!
I had been researching and remembering that I had been on Trazodone in the past. We discussed at my appointment and Doctor Michael thought it would be a good idea to try it again, especially since I have been having troubles getting to sleep and Trazodone helps with insomnia. And so I took my first Trazodone last night in the hospital. It can take up to ten weeks to take full affect, so we'll see. Here's some information I have found in researching:
My hope is that the new medicine helps with my OCD. I think just talking with my psychiatrist will help as well. He's not a total believer in cognitive therapy for patients with OCD. He does believe that the research is correct in that patients with OCD seem to be highly intelligent! I liked that part!!
Doctor Michael explained that it was perfectly "normal" for my OCD symptoms to have become more pronounced over the past few months, with everything that had been going on with Baby Girl and court and her leaving. He would have been shocked had I NOT shown more symptoms as of late. He also explained that although OCD is looked at as a bad affliction, there are SOME good traits to have associated with OCD. My house is clean. My life is relatively organized. My parenting skills are sharp.
I brought with me my blog entitled "I'm quirky". He admitted he had not had a patient with a grease phobia before. However, his thought is that it's not a horrible phobia to have, as grease is not healthy anyway!
I had been researching and remembering that I had been on Trazodone in the past. We discussed at my appointment and Doctor Michael thought it would be a good idea to try it again, especially since I have been having troubles getting to sleep and Trazodone helps with insomnia. And so I took my first Trazodone last night in the hospital. It can take up to ten weeks to take full affect, so we'll see. Here's some information I have found in researching:
Dr. Shila Mathew, M.D., a board certified psychiatrist and cofounder and Medical Director of holisticonline.com, stated that the first-line treatments for OCD is antidepressants, especially SSRIs. However, these often give severe side effects to the patients. These may include sleeplessness (insomnia), sexual dysfunction, nausea, weight gain, etc. When the patents are given SSRI and trazadone, it was more effective and the patients' side effects, especially insomnia, improved.
Dr. Mathew said that there is considerable evidence that trazodone may have antiobsessive properties. In one early investigation, trazodone reduced the obsessive symptoms in a single patient by 40% and that the improvement lasted for 5 months. Another study showed that six of 10 patients with OCD improved significantly after 10 weeks of treatment with trazodone. In another study, eight of 10 OCD patients showed an improvement with trazodone.
Trazodone appears to be particularly effective in reducing the side effects produced by SSRIs, such as nausea, gastrointestinal distress, anxiety, sleep disturbances, weight gain, and sexual dysfunction. Resolution of these symptoms occurred quite rapidly in all SSRI-treated patients in whom trazodone augmentation was added. Trazodone is very tolerable and is useful addition to long-term therapy with an SSRI, such as is commonly necessary for OCD patients.
My hope is that the new medicine helps with my OCD. I think just talking with my psychiatrist will help as well. He's not a total believer in cognitive therapy for patients with OCD. He does believe that the research is correct in that patients with OCD seem to be highly intelligent! I liked that part!!
It's good to be home
Hospital schedule:
Sleep? What's that?
Was woken at 3 AM both mornings. Change in nurse shifts. And then of course they want to chat.....at 3 AM? Really?
5 AM lab comes in to suck blood. I am a hard stick (that's what she said), and so the whole "we only need one tube of blood" thing took an hour each time. Finally they drew from my wrist. Painful.
6 AM doctor comes in. How are you feeling? Oh, you're tired? I wonder why?
6:30 AM "hospitalist" doctor comes in. Asks same questions that 6 AM doctor asked.
6:45 AM nurse comes in to check vitals. Blood sugar check.
7 AM "have you ordered breakfast?" "you need to order breakfast" "have you eaten yet?"
Mark came to get me at 10 AM. I didn't even shower, just wanted OUT. Came home, showered, went to sleep. And no one bothered me! It was wonderful!
Restrictions again, no lifting over 10 lbs, for, like, ever. On new antibiotic. More scans next week. As long as I can sleep in peace, I don't care.
Oh, the end results were inconclusive. I seem to be getting these pockets of blood around right kidney. They can take a sample but would almost guarantee I will get an infection. So, no idea how to stop this from happening. No answers. Yay.
Sleep? What's that?
Was woken at 3 AM both mornings. Change in nurse shifts. And then of course they want to chat.....at 3 AM? Really?
5 AM lab comes in to suck blood. I am a hard stick (that's what she said), and so the whole "we only need one tube of blood" thing took an hour each time. Finally they drew from my wrist. Painful.
6 AM doctor comes in. How are you feeling? Oh, you're tired? I wonder why?
6:30 AM "hospitalist" doctor comes in. Asks same questions that 6 AM doctor asked.
6:45 AM nurse comes in to check vitals. Blood sugar check.
7 AM "have you ordered breakfast?" "you need to order breakfast" "have you eaten yet?"
Mark came to get me at 10 AM. I didn't even shower, just wanted OUT. Came home, showered, went to sleep. And no one bothered me! It was wonderful!
Restrictions again, no lifting over 10 lbs, for, like, ever. On new antibiotic. More scans next week. As long as I can sleep in peace, I don't care.
Oh, the end results were inconclusive. I seem to be getting these pockets of blood around right kidney. They can take a sample but would almost guarantee I will get an infection. So, no idea how to stop this from happening. No answers. Yay.
Friday, May 10, 2013
back in the hospital again....same old song and dance
Blood and abscess near right kidney this time. Same almost as two months ago. Good news? MRI showed no mets, it's not cancer. Now to figure out WHY this keeps happening?
Received a phone call from social services, might be doing respite for two little girls..three year old twins. That cheered me up a bit.
Updating before the morphine hits. Walked a lot today, little less pain, nasty panic attack (I think it's starting to get to me?), now running slight fever...not a great sign the night before I want to go home.
Mark came and spent time today, nice eating dinner together and walking. He's so used to this, he takes care of my IVs and helps when he's here. He's make an amazing nurse and has been just that for the past few years.
I am blessed.
Received a phone call from social services, might be doing respite for two little girls..three year old twins. That cheered me up a bit.
Updating before the morphine hits. Walked a lot today, little less pain, nasty panic attack (I think it's starting to get to me?), now running slight fever...not a great sign the night before I want to go home.
Mark came and spent time today, nice eating dinner together and walking. He's so used to this, he takes care of my IVs and helps when he's here. He's make an amazing nurse and has been just that for the past few years.
I am blessed.
Thursday, May 9, 2013
I'm no expert
Well, I kind of am, by default.
Anyway, I was saying,I'm no expert, but it would appear that I will be. at the very least, going to have a ct scan done later today. And if memory serves, I'll be admitted to the hospital for IV antibiotics and perhaps the draining of what I can only fathom is another abscess. This feels the same as the birthday before last. Same pain progression. Now only on one side.
I am getting so unbelievably sick of living like this.
QOD: If this keeps happening, me having to go to the hospital, how can I effectively parent? Sometimes as badly as I want a child, I wonder if it's the smartest move.
Anyway, I was saying,I'm no expert, but it would appear that I will be. at the very least, going to have a ct scan done later today. And if memory serves, I'll be admitted to the hospital for IV antibiotics and perhaps the draining of what I can only fathom is another abscess. This feels the same as the birthday before last. Same pain progression. Now only on one side.
I am getting so unbelievably sick of living like this.
QOD: If this keeps happening, me having to go to the hospital, how can I effectively parent? Sometimes as badly as I want a child, I wonder if it's the smartest move.
Wednesday, May 8, 2013
Baby Girl
Someone sent me a few pictures of baby girl today. It's been two months and she looks like she's grown up at least a full year! I was so happy to see her, crying good tears. Knowing that she's doing okay made my whole day so much better. If she can't be with us, at least knowing how she is and how she is growing up is something.....something is better than nothing.
Such a beautiful little girl she is.
Such a beautiful little girl she is.
Re: disgruntled guest
So tomorrow I have my long awaited appointment with my psychiatrist. Very excited about that. In the meantime, I have been experiencing what I can only describe as the same pains I had last year when I had an abscess and had to be hospitalized.
And so.....tomorrow after my psychiatrist, I will be heading to the local hospital....the place I like to call my home away from home. The good news....my deductible and out of pocket are 100% paid, so any hospitalizations the rest of the year are free. The bad news....I might have to go into the hospital again, after having just been there in March. Not pleased.
I hope I'm wrong. I'm rarely wrong when it comes to knowing my body, unfortunately. I have prepared a couple big meals for Mark for if I go into the hospital. I am packing my hospital bag. I was SUPPOSED to be packing my overnight bag for our weekend trip to Door County. Still could happen. Doubtful though. I'll know more tomorrow. Maybe I'll wake up and feel wonderful.
But more than likely, you can find me on the 5th or 6th floor of Theda Clark starting tomorrow afternoon. Call before visiting as I like to look my most presentable.
And so.....tomorrow after my psychiatrist, I will be heading to the local hospital....the place I like to call my home away from home. The good news....my deductible and out of pocket are 100% paid, so any hospitalizations the rest of the year are free. The bad news....I might have to go into the hospital again, after having just been there in March. Not pleased.
I hope I'm wrong. I'm rarely wrong when it comes to knowing my body, unfortunately. I have prepared a couple big meals for Mark for if I go into the hospital. I am packing my hospital bag. I was SUPPOSED to be packing my overnight bag for our weekend trip to Door County. Still could happen. Doubtful though. I'll know more tomorrow. Maybe I'll wake up and feel wonderful.
But more than likely, you can find me on the 5th or 6th floor of Theda Clark starting tomorrow afternoon. Call before visiting as I like to look my most presentable.
Adoption
This post I will want comments on, please and thank you.
We went to our first adoption class today with Lutheran Social Services. We have numerous options, and have already narrowed it down to two options. We're just not equipped or ready to do anything international.
We have our application in for domestic infant adoption. The majority of the time, this would be a brand spanking (no, we don't believe in spanking) new baby. We've already stipulated that we don't care whether the child is a boy or girl. We've already stipulated that we don't care if the child is beige, yellow, brown, green or purple in color. We're already stipulated that, in our eyes, medical issues can be dealt with. What we cannot, will not, and refuse to deal with are severe emotional issues. We have been there and done that, and barely lived through it. It might sound selfish, but it's just what we know we can handle. We would welcome a deaf child, a blind child, a child with Downs, a child with AIDS. And I've always wanted to have a red-headed black baby. Long story on that one.
Anyway, the agency will draw names next week. They have about 20 families applying and 12 slots open. If our name is picked, they will do a home study, help up set up a portfolio, charge us the application fee, and then we wait to be picked. When all is said and done, the approximate cost is $17,000.
OR....we can go the "special needs" route. Basically it means that the child was taken from their parents and put into foster care. That constitutes special needs. The cost? Zero. Some miscellaneous fees that might add up to in the $1000 range. But it would be an older child. Although we can stipulate age and wouldn't want to go much beyond toddler ago. The thought of attachment disorder with an older child scares the shit out of me. But that being said, if we adopt through special needs, their therapy and medical needs would be covered for, like, ever.
What to do? Comments welcomed
Since so many seem to be reading this, I'll put the link in for our GOFUNDME fundraiser. Couldn't hurt, right?
http://www.gofundme.com/2g6mss
We went to our first adoption class today with Lutheran Social Services. We have numerous options, and have already narrowed it down to two options. We're just not equipped or ready to do anything international.
We have our application in for domestic infant adoption. The majority of the time, this would be a brand spanking (no, we don't believe in spanking) new baby. We've already stipulated that we don't care whether the child is a boy or girl. We've already stipulated that we don't care if the child is beige, yellow, brown, green or purple in color. We're already stipulated that, in our eyes, medical issues can be dealt with. What we cannot, will not, and refuse to deal with are severe emotional issues. We have been there and done that, and barely lived through it. It might sound selfish, but it's just what we know we can handle. We would welcome a deaf child, a blind child, a child with Downs, a child with AIDS. And I've always wanted to have a red-headed black baby. Long story on that one.
Anyway, the agency will draw names next week. They have about 20 families applying and 12 slots open. If our name is picked, they will do a home study, help up set up a portfolio, charge us the application fee, and then we wait to be picked. When all is said and done, the approximate cost is $17,000.
OR....we can go the "special needs" route. Basically it means that the child was taken from their parents and put into foster care. That constitutes special needs. The cost? Zero. Some miscellaneous fees that might add up to in the $1000 range. But it would be an older child. Although we can stipulate age and wouldn't want to go much beyond toddler ago. The thought of attachment disorder with an older child scares the shit out of me. But that being said, if we adopt through special needs, their therapy and medical needs would be covered for, like, ever.
What to do? Comments welcomed
Since so many seem to be reading this, I'll put the link in for our GOFUNDME fundraiser. Couldn't hurt, right?
http://www.gofundme.com/2g6mss
Tuesday, May 7, 2013
Anniversaries
There are so many good anniversaries I want to remember, for both myself and Mark and for our friends. Wedding anniversaries (June 21, 2003), the anniversary of our first date (May 25, 2001),the anniversary of when Mark proposed (April 21, 2002). Twice we found out on Mark's birthday (October 18) that we were expecting. We try to celebrate even our dogs' birthdays.
There are, it seems, even more sad anniversaries that we remember every year. Today was the anniversary of two of my friends losing their children. Huge hugs to Amanda and Missy. Probably one of the hardest memories of all. We lost Daniel Lawrence on January 6, 2006. And Sweetpea on August 11, 2006. And baby Angel was lost in between cancer diagnosis and first day surgery.
These anniversaries aren't meant as celebrations, but as memories. Our babies will never be forgotten. As much as people (who I try to convince myself year after year only mean well) try to NOT bring up our losses, try to help us find a way to move on, it's not going to happen. At least not for me. And I don't want to ever forget. And I don't ever want to be alone in the anniversaries. Our babies had a father as well, and even though I was the one going through the physical part of the losses, Mark was and is just as important in this picture. It hurts me deeply when Mark isn't mentioned as part of the equation.
Do I have children? Yes. I have three biological children who couldn't stay here with us. I have many foster children who I think about, and love, to this day....every day. I am a Mom. Mark is a Dad. It's a hard question to answer, when people inevitably ask. "Do you have kids?" My answer, if they look like they give a shit, is always "Yes. We have three children"
Happy Anniversary, today, to twin baby boys Gavin James and Brogan Ryker. And to their Mom and Dad, Amanda and Tanner, and their sister Olivia. And Happy Anniversary to baby Riley as well as Riley's Mom and Dad, Missy and Quentin. May your babies always be remembered. ((((hugs))))
There are, it seems, even more sad anniversaries that we remember every year. Today was the anniversary of two of my friends losing their children. Huge hugs to Amanda and Missy. Probably one of the hardest memories of all. We lost Daniel Lawrence on January 6, 2006. And Sweetpea on August 11, 2006. And baby Angel was lost in between cancer diagnosis and first day surgery.
These anniversaries aren't meant as celebrations, but as memories. Our babies will never be forgotten. As much as people (who I try to convince myself year after year only mean well) try to NOT bring up our losses, try to help us find a way to move on, it's not going to happen. At least not for me. And I don't want to ever forget. And I don't ever want to be alone in the anniversaries. Our babies had a father as well, and even though I was the one going through the physical part of the losses, Mark was and is just as important in this picture. It hurts me deeply when Mark isn't mentioned as part of the equation.
Do I have children? Yes. I have three biological children who couldn't stay here with us. I have many foster children who I think about, and love, to this day....every day. I am a Mom. Mark is a Dad. It's a hard question to answer, when people inevitably ask. "Do you have kids?" My answer, if they look like they give a shit, is always "Yes. We have three children"
Happy Anniversary, today, to twin baby boys Gavin James and Brogan Ryker. And to their Mom and Dad, Amanda and Tanner, and their sister Olivia. And Happy Anniversary to baby Riley as well as Riley's Mom and Dad, Missy and Quentin. May your babies always be remembered. ((((hugs))))
Tomorrow
Tomorrow is our first meeting with Lutheran Social Services, to talk to them about domestic infant adoption. Am I too old? Am I in the hospital too much? Do I have people to help when these things happen? Baby boy/girl has a sweet nursery waiting for him/her. And an amazing Daddy. And the Three Stooges to guard and protect. And me....to do the best that I can to be the best Mom that I can.
And now we wait.
And now we wait.
Must post a happy post now
Lime popsicles
chocolate covered pretzels
freshly washed sheets
"do nothing" days
watching the Pugs try to protect me when someone comes to the door
fresh-brewed iced tea.
getting notice from our library that the "Nurse Jackie" I put on hold is in!
avocados
sleeping with the windows open
checking my blood sugar and seeing it's less than 100
realizing that the curls from my chemo hair might be staying
I went back to my old, 2011 Facebook name for a few today. And read Mark's facebook from 2010/2011. I, we, had so many amazingly supportive friends back then...thru the loss of our baby, the cancer, the chemo, the surgery.....I like to read those posts once in a while to put everything into perspective. What would life be without friends and family? A little sadness to know that about half of those posting are no longer in my Facebook life. But they were at one time! And at a time when it was needed.
We are blessed.
chocolate covered pretzels
freshly washed sheets
"do nothing" days
watching the Pugs try to protect me when someone comes to the door
fresh-brewed iced tea.
getting notice from our library that the "Nurse Jackie" I put on hold is in!
avocados
sleeping with the windows open
checking my blood sugar and seeing it's less than 100
realizing that the curls from my chemo hair might be staying
I went back to my old, 2011 Facebook name for a few today. And read Mark's facebook from 2010/2011. I, we, had so many amazingly supportive friends back then...thru the loss of our baby, the cancer, the chemo, the surgery.....I like to read those posts once in a while to put everything into perspective. What would life be without friends and family? A little sadness to know that about half of those posting are no longer in my Facebook life. But they were at one time! And at a time when it was needed.
We are blessed.
That certain someone
Have you ever just felt like cuddling with a certain someone? Nothing sexual whatsoever. Nothing that could be remotely described as cheating. Just hugging. Snuggling. Being wrapped up in someone's arms and just KNOWING that they get you. Being understood is such a HUGE thing for me. Letting the walls down. Knowing that someone else knows.
Have you ever considered
suicide?
I've thought about it, years ago, when I was in my first marriage. I didn't have a lot of money back then, but I thought that maybe a couple bottles of cheap sleeping pills would have done the trick. The problem is, back then, nobody other than my family really would have given a shit had I left this earth. So, pointless. If my killing myself wasn't going to have an impact, then why bother?
I can see where, if people are reading my blog, where I might sound a bit suicidal sometimes. In all honesty, I do feel that I have that privilege. That being said, I'm not, nor have I been since I met Mark, suicidal in any way shape or form. What I am, a lot of the times, is disappointed.
It disappoints me when people KNOW that Mark and I have a very hard time saying "no" and that is used against us to the Nth degree. To me, it's bullying. No, we're not so wishy-washy that we have to be pushed into anything. We LIKE our lives the way they are. When we want to reach out and be social, we DO. We're adults, please treat us as such.
It disappoints me that Mark had such a quiet simple life before he met me. And money. He had money. It disappoints me that I haven't contributed more to our lives, other than debt, and worry, and cancer, and taking on three dogs when Mark specifically said ONE. At the end of the day, were I to be asked "what do you think you contribute to society, Mindi?"....what am I going to say? I make is smell better because I sell Scentsy to the point of annoying the hell out of everyone? Yes, I am quite the philanthropist.
I'm disappointed in the world today. The violence. The bullying. The "who gives a shit" attitude. Every day there's something new to read about, and cry about. Who would give their five-year-old a rifle? Who in their right mind would kidnap three women for ten YEARS? Why would someone want to place bombs at the Boston Marathon? Really, these are all the only reasons I am grateful to NOT have children right now. I have no idea how the hell I would explain these fucking lunatics to my children when I can't even explain it in my own head. People look at me sometimes like I'm borderline insane because of my OCD and my anxiety and my quirks.....but I can tell you, it would never EVER enter my mind to do anything remotely violent or newsworthy. Even when I was being beaten and thrown into walls and tossed down stairways.....violence was never an option.
I'm disappointed in not being understood. I have many friends who have tried to "get me", and they "get me" enough to be my friends. But you'd have had to live in my world and have had gone through what I've gone through to truly relate. Even Mark can't relate....but he can sympathize and empathize and be here for me and listen to me. Many times I feel that my friends think I'm about to lose it. I've even had one friend give me permission to lose it! But, just as with the cancer, I am a survivor. I will get a bit....loony....once in a while. And that's when I need understanding. Think about what I've been through. Don't feel badly for me or feel that I'm going to commit suicide, because I'm not. Sometimes I just need to breathe.
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I've thought about it, years ago, when I was in my first marriage. I didn't have a lot of money back then, but I thought that maybe a couple bottles of cheap sleeping pills would have done the trick. The problem is, back then, nobody other than my family really would have given a shit had I left this earth. So, pointless. If my killing myself wasn't going to have an impact, then why bother?
I can see where, if people are reading my blog, where I might sound a bit suicidal sometimes. In all honesty, I do feel that I have that privilege. That being said, I'm not, nor have I been since I met Mark, suicidal in any way shape or form. What I am, a lot of the times, is disappointed.
It disappoints me when people KNOW that Mark and I have a very hard time saying "no" and that is used against us to the Nth degree. To me, it's bullying. No, we're not so wishy-washy that we have to be pushed into anything. We LIKE our lives the way they are. When we want to reach out and be social, we DO. We're adults, please treat us as such.
It disappoints me that Mark had such a quiet simple life before he met me. And money. He had money. It disappoints me that I haven't contributed more to our lives, other than debt, and worry, and cancer, and taking on three dogs when Mark specifically said ONE. At the end of the day, were I to be asked "what do you think you contribute to society, Mindi?"....what am I going to say? I make is smell better because I sell Scentsy to the point of annoying the hell out of everyone? Yes, I am quite the philanthropist.
I'm disappointed in the world today. The violence. The bullying. The "who gives a shit" attitude. Every day there's something new to read about, and cry about. Who would give their five-year-old a rifle? Who in their right mind would kidnap three women for ten YEARS? Why would someone want to place bombs at the Boston Marathon? Really, these are all the only reasons I am grateful to NOT have children right now. I have no idea how the hell I would explain these fucking lunatics to my children when I can't even explain it in my own head. People look at me sometimes like I'm borderline insane because of my OCD and my anxiety and my quirks.....but I can tell you, it would never EVER enter my mind to do anything remotely violent or newsworthy. Even when I was being beaten and thrown into walls and tossed down stairways.....violence was never an option.
I'm disappointed in not being understood. I have many friends who have tried to "get me", and they "get me" enough to be my friends. But you'd have had to live in my world and have had gone through what I've gone through to truly relate. Even Mark can't relate....but he can sympathize and empathize and be here for me and listen to me. Many times I feel that my friends think I'm about to lose it. I've even had one friend give me permission to lose it! But, just as with the cancer, I am a survivor. I will get a bit....loony....once in a while. And that's when I need understanding. Think about what I've been through. Don't feel badly for me or feel that I'm going to commit suicide, because I'm not. Sometimes I just need to breathe.
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Monday, May 6, 2013
Yahoo Health: OCD
Living with OCD: We Are Unique, Not Abnormal
The fifth edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5) will be released in May. Yahoo is featuring first-person stories from Americans who are diagnosed with some of the most common mental health disorders in the United States. Here's one story.
FIRST PERSON | Imagine walking into someone's office and seeing pamphlets or business cards lying around and pictures on the wall. Sounds normal, right? Now imagine that those cards, pamphlets or pictures are slightly crooked, and that's the only thing that you can focus on in that room. You don't hear what people are saying to you; all you can hear is your own mind telling you to straighten things up, make them even. You try to look at the person speaking to you, but your eyes keep wandering back to these crooked items. You finally walk over to straighten them out just so that you can focus on the person rather than driving yourself crazy thinking about how uneven things are. You turn around to see them staring at you in confusion.
I'm 31, and I've been living like this for years. I was diagnosed about three years ago with obsessive-compulsive disorder, post-traumatic stress disorder, and general anxiety disorder. I believe that my OCD stems mostly from a very dysfunctional childhood and my perception that I had to be perfect in order to keep some amount of peace in my home. It eventually became more extreme and more things had to be even.
Now, I don't even step on cracks, and if I do slip up, I have to step on the crack with my other foot to make it even. Living in the Arizona heat it gets a little frustrating when you are spending more time than needed in 110-degree weather!
I tried medications to alleviate the problem; however, it just created more problems. I became so lethargic that I just didn't care to make things even when I could just leave the room and go take a nap. That was no way to live for me. I would rather go about my life making things even and constantly cleaning than to feel useless. I do, however, go to therapy to deal with all of my issues, and I recommend that to anyone.
It's an aggravating feeling, but I made the choice to see some humor in it. I try to always keep a positive outlook, and if people look at me in confusion, I just laugh and tell them I can't help it. I have found that most people understand and actually have loved ones that deal with similar issues. I believe there are probably more people who deal with mental health issues than not.
It's time to start talking about them and quit treating our problems as if they don't exist in an attempt to be "normal." We are just as normal as anybody else; we just do things a little differently!
I have written nothing today
zero.zilch.nada. Can't find my Thesaurus.
Dentist appointment today. Not sure why the dentist bothers so many people. I'd much rather get drilled than stripped and weighed. (Tracy Mars....TWSS). Just a drill and refill today. Was feeling just dandy. And now the anesthesia is wearing off and there's a tad bit of pain.
Laying in my recliner after dentist, almost (or probably did) fell asleep a couple times. I don't think that I'm going to stay up for much longer today. Nothing going on tomorrow unless we get a call for respite. Wednesday is our class for adoption. Thursday is my appointment with my psychiatrist. And then on Friday we are outta here!
We're off to Door County with our friends to their cottage. No computers. No cell phones (or phones at all for that matter). And five dogs. Yes, five. Chloe and Tupelo. Barney, Mrs. and Mister Petey Picard. Should be interesting. The good news is that Tupelo is a puppy and she tends to wear out the three Stooges who aren't used to....well....moving much.
I wonder if I ever sat down in a bean bag chair, how would I get back up?
Dentist appointment today. Not sure why the dentist bothers so many people. I'd much rather get drilled than stripped and weighed. (Tracy Mars....TWSS). Just a drill and refill today. Was feeling just dandy. And now the anesthesia is wearing off and there's a tad bit of pain.
Laying in my recliner after dentist, almost (or probably did) fell asleep a couple times. I don't think that I'm going to stay up for much longer today. Nothing going on tomorrow unless we get a call for respite. Wednesday is our class for adoption. Thursday is my appointment with my psychiatrist. And then on Friday we are outta here!
We're off to Door County with our friends to their cottage. No computers. No cell phones (or phones at all for that matter). And five dogs. Yes, five. Chloe and Tupelo. Barney, Mrs. and Mister Petey Picard. Should be interesting. The good news is that Tupelo is a puppy and she tends to wear out the three Stooges who aren't used to....well....moving much.
I wonder if I ever sat down in a bean bag chair, how would I get back up?
Sunday, May 5, 2013
The First Cut
I deleted half my friends. Kept the real life friends. Kept the bladder cancer support group. Kept some people that I WILL meet someday SOON. Kept a few that I just couldn't part with, that I love talking to, that I feel like I've been through a lot with, even if we have never met. Ended up with less than 200. And a promise to myself that I will NOT get caught up in crap anymore. Ever. And if people want to try and friend me, I'm going to be much more particular. I have to be.
25 Things You Don't Know About Me
(okay, well, to be honest, you probably do know some of these things, if you know me at all)
1. I am scared. Of many things.
2. I'm scared of the dark.
3 . I'm scared of mice.
4. I'm scared of death.
5. I'm scared of snow and ice and bad roads.
6. I can sing, when I really want to.
7. I've convinced myself that prescription meds are better for me than alcohol.
8. I miss sitting down to pee.
9. I don't like cooking. It's one of the things I can do for Mark, and so I do.
10. I haven't driven on a highway for more than a mile since 2007.
11. I prefer to stay home, without being fully clothed, than going out. Any day.
12. I am unbelievably lazy.
13. I have sleep apnea and sleep with a CPAP machine.
14. I get my feelings hurt very very easily. Too easily.
15. I'm a peace loving person, unless you mess with my husband, family or friends. Then it's on.
16. I started looking for a new husband while still married to the old one. I needed an out.
17. I am paranoid.
18. I cannot stand sales people. Or feeling pressured into anything.
19.. I was a telemarketer for years and years and made a lot of money doing it.
20. I dislike the telephone. I turn ringers off on my cell. I will text but prefer not to talk.
21. One of the best gifts to give to me is socks. I love socks. I have drawers full of them.
22. My memory is not getting better, two years after chemo. It scares me.
23. My dream is to have an RV and travel the US with Mark and the Stooges.
24. I would be happiest with a house overlooking water of some sort, pond, river, ocean, lake.
25. I had dreams of being a writer, a famous writer, when I was a kid.
1. I am scared. Of many things.
2. I'm scared of the dark.
3 . I'm scared of mice.
4. I'm scared of death.
5. I'm scared of snow and ice and bad roads.
6. I can sing, when I really want to.
7. I've convinced myself that prescription meds are better for me than alcohol.
8. I miss sitting down to pee.
9. I don't like cooking. It's one of the things I can do for Mark, and so I do.
10. I haven't driven on a highway for more than a mile since 2007.
11. I prefer to stay home, without being fully clothed, than going out. Any day.
12. I am unbelievably lazy.
13. I have sleep apnea and sleep with a CPAP machine.
14. I get my feelings hurt very very easily. Too easily.
15. I'm a peace loving person, unless you mess with my husband, family or friends. Then it's on.
16. I started looking for a new husband while still married to the old one. I needed an out.
17. I am paranoid.
18. I cannot stand sales people. Or feeling pressured into anything.
19.. I was a telemarketer for years and years and made a lot of money doing it.
20. I dislike the telephone. I turn ringers off on my cell. I will text but prefer not to talk.
21. One of the best gifts to give to me is socks. I love socks. I have drawers full of them.
22. My memory is not getting better, two years after chemo. It scares me.
23. My dream is to have an RV and travel the US with Mark and the Stooges.
24. I would be happiest with a house overlooking water of some sort, pond, river, ocean, lake.
25. I had dreams of being a writer, a famous writer, when I was a kid.
If Tomorrow Never Comes
These past few years have taught me a LOT. You just never know. You never know if you'll wake up in the morning. You never know if the last thing you say to someone is the last thing that person will ever hear. The last words my little sister heard from me are "I hate you and I wish you would die". Yes, I was 11. I've learned a LOT since then, and still remember those words, 34 years later.
If I die today, I want to make sure all my friends and family know how I feel.
I want Mark to know that he literally saved my life on May 25, 2001....the first day he met me. He has put up with so much from me....such bad behavior, such selfish tirades. He's been through the loss of our three children, the loss of his Grandparents, the loss of his Dad. I don't want him to suffer anymore. This man deserves everything and more. He deserves to be happy and have a good life, with or without me. I am so thankful, and so in love with him. I have no idea what I would do without him and I pray to God I never have to find out. I'm pretty sure that everyone knows just how I feel about Mark, and would hope that if anything DID happen to me, they can remind him of just how much he meant to me.
My friends, the ones I HAVE met. Lane, for coming all the way to WI to help out when I had my surgery. Amazing. Still amazed. And always thankful. Mellie and kids. For driving all the way here the weekend before my surgery, having never met me, just to take my mind off the impending surgery. For having my back. You have no idea how much that means to me. Bryan, our mutual love of dogs. My rational sounding board. I always feel like you "get" me. Cathy from VT. Always there with Motherly advice. Bailed us out of a long hotel stay and always made both Mark and I feel like a part of your family. Beverly, Carolyn, Greg and Kate.....the Harts. I feel like I've discovered my second family over the past few years. Always supportive and loving. I adore this family. Dodie, for discovering my diabetes and helping me turn my life around. I hope that things start looking up for you and Charlie. You deserve it. Morrisville Diane. You drive me crazy, and I love you to pieces. You always came to my aid when I lived in VT. I miss you a ton. Carrie, my friend that I met oh so many years ago, at one of the worst times in my life. You are a good person Carrie and you do so much for everyone. I wish you happiness. Jen and Annie. We absolutely couldn't have made it through the last few years without you two. You've helped us in every way possible. I hope we can someday return the favor. Favors. Lots of favors. Tami from MN. You are smart, a great Mom and have wonderful words of advice. Thank you for being you. Lynn and Kim. Local friends who I don't get to see enough of, but always know I can depend on you if needed, and I hope you know the same is true for me.
My family. Leanna, Rick, Lori, my Mom, Mark's Mom, Connie, even Miwanda. You guys are always there when it counts. Thank you. I love you all.
My friends, the ones I haven't met yet but really hope to meet someday. Deb in....Texas now? We're been friends for about 10 years now, been through a lot together and I hope someday to meet!! Missy, Noell, Teri, Angela, Viv, Stacie, Lana, Leigh, and I know that I'm forgetting a gazillion people and I'm sorry. As I remember, I will edit and add. Total strangers who have become friends....who listen and understand and accept. I couldn't ask for better friends.
My health is precarious as best. I am facing another surgery soon. My cancer, although gone for the moment, has an 80% chance of recurrence. Every day that I wake up breathing is a miracle. Plus, I'm just plain old. That being said, I hope that you all know just how much I love you and how much you all mean to me. Forever.
If I die today, I want to make sure all my friends and family know how I feel.
I want Mark to know that he literally saved my life on May 25, 2001....the first day he met me. He has put up with so much from me....such bad behavior, such selfish tirades. He's been through the loss of our three children, the loss of his Grandparents, the loss of his Dad. I don't want him to suffer anymore. This man deserves everything and more. He deserves to be happy and have a good life, with or without me. I am so thankful, and so in love with him. I have no idea what I would do without him and I pray to God I never have to find out. I'm pretty sure that everyone knows just how I feel about Mark, and would hope that if anything DID happen to me, they can remind him of just how much he meant to me.
My friends, the ones I HAVE met. Lane, for coming all the way to WI to help out when I had my surgery. Amazing. Still amazed. And always thankful. Mellie and kids. For driving all the way here the weekend before my surgery, having never met me, just to take my mind off the impending surgery. For having my back. You have no idea how much that means to me. Bryan, our mutual love of dogs. My rational sounding board. I always feel like you "get" me. Cathy from VT. Always there with Motherly advice. Bailed us out of a long hotel stay and always made both Mark and I feel like a part of your family. Beverly, Carolyn, Greg and Kate.....the Harts. I feel like I've discovered my second family over the past few years. Always supportive and loving. I adore this family. Dodie, for discovering my diabetes and helping me turn my life around. I hope that things start looking up for you and Charlie. You deserve it. Morrisville Diane. You drive me crazy, and I love you to pieces. You always came to my aid when I lived in VT. I miss you a ton. Carrie, my friend that I met oh so many years ago, at one of the worst times in my life. You are a good person Carrie and you do so much for everyone. I wish you happiness. Jen and Annie. We absolutely couldn't have made it through the last few years without you two. You've helped us in every way possible. I hope we can someday return the favor. Favors. Lots of favors. Tami from MN. You are smart, a great Mom and have wonderful words of advice. Thank you for being you. Lynn and Kim. Local friends who I don't get to see enough of, but always know I can depend on you if needed, and I hope you know the same is true for me.
My family. Leanna, Rick, Lori, my Mom, Mark's Mom, Connie, even Miwanda. You guys are always there when it counts. Thank you. I love you all.
My friends, the ones I haven't met yet but really hope to meet someday. Deb in....Texas now? We're been friends for about 10 years now, been through a lot together and I hope someday to meet!! Missy, Noell, Teri, Angela, Viv, Stacie, Lana, Leigh, and I know that I'm forgetting a gazillion people and I'm sorry. As I remember, I will edit and add. Total strangers who have become friends....who listen and understand and accept. I couldn't ask for better friends.
Dear Abby
This makes me feel not-so-silly in my 45-year-old hurt feelings Facebook world.
DEAR ABBY: My 14-year-old granddaughter "Lana" has unfriended me on Facebook twice during the last week. Her mother told me she has been unfriended, too, because Lana doesn't want adults seeing what she's doing on Facebook. How would you handle this? -- NANA IN OHIO
DEAR NANA: I'd suggest that Lana's mother tell her daughter that if she wants to continue on Facebook, she had better keep Mom and Grandma as friends.
Saturday, May 4, 2013
Leanna Lorraine
Leanna is my niece. My sister Lisa's daughter. I've always felt very close to her, despite the 20 year age difference. Maybe because I was there when she was born, and in my own little way, I helped her come into this world.
I was living in Ohio when my sister was pregnant. They knew that there was something wrong with Leanna while she was still inside the uterus. My Mom had already headed to Chester, VT to be with Lisa and Miguel my brother in law. When they found out that Lisa would need to go to Boston to have Leanna, I drove out from Ohio to be the official baby chauffeur.
The plan was that Lisa would go into labor and be transported to Boston via ambulance, and I would drive my Mom to Boston to be there with her. Unfortunately, plans changed, and Lisa wasn't far enough along to warrant an ambulance. And so I took all of us to Boston, in my little Plymouth Horizon. At one point, we got stopped by the police. It seemed that I was driving erratically in the middle of the night. Thank goodness, the cop saw, and heard the pregnant sister in the backseat and let me go!
Long night of waiting, but Leanna was finally born. And man, she was the most beautiful baby girl you could ever see. She was given not a huge chance of survival. She remained in Children's Hospital for the first four months of her life. She came home on a feeding tube....tiny little girl. But she kicked ass and survived. Most certainly has some of the Sheldon stubbornness in her!
I moved away soon after Leanna came home and didn't get to spend nearly enough time with her. And so when I DID get the chance, I tried to spoil her with things that her Mother didn't allow. Makeup. Play Doh. Every noisy instrument you could think of. Finger paints. And when we were together, I used all of it with her. It was fun being a kid again!
When Leanna was very young, her baby brother Dylan died at 9 months old. Soon after, my Father died. One of the most vivid memories I have of Leanna and I is being on my Mother's outside deck, blowing bubbles with Leanna. She decided that we were sending the bubbles up to Heaven, to be with Dylan and Grampa.
When I was going through my cancer, Leanna, for a "kid" of only 22, was one of the biggest factors in my survival. She has a way with words. She sent me a bottle of bubbles, with some of the most encouraging messages on it. She sent me cards with wonderful, meaningful insights. She even asked me to be her Matron of Honor when she marries Sean, her significant other and her son Ian's father. She was amazingly supportive. I hope I've thanked her, but if not, thank you so much Leanna. I love you.
Leanna has not had the easiest of lives. I wish I could have been there for her more than I was. I always felt more like her Mom when I was with her. She recently gave birth to my great nephew Ian, who is almost as adorable as Leanna was when she was born. I am so proud of how far she's come and how she's making her own happiness, despite not having a great upbringing. She's a survivor, just like her Aunt!
I was living in Ohio when my sister was pregnant. They knew that there was something wrong with Leanna while she was still inside the uterus. My Mom had already headed to Chester, VT to be with Lisa and Miguel my brother in law. When they found out that Lisa would need to go to Boston to have Leanna, I drove out from Ohio to be the official baby chauffeur.
The plan was that Lisa would go into labor and be transported to Boston via ambulance, and I would drive my Mom to Boston to be there with her. Unfortunately, plans changed, and Lisa wasn't far enough along to warrant an ambulance. And so I took all of us to Boston, in my little Plymouth Horizon. At one point, we got stopped by the police. It seemed that I was driving erratically in the middle of the night. Thank goodness, the cop saw, and heard the pregnant sister in the backseat and let me go!
Long night of waiting, but Leanna was finally born. And man, she was the most beautiful baby girl you could ever see. She was given not a huge chance of survival. She remained in Children's Hospital for the first four months of her life. She came home on a feeding tube....tiny little girl. But she kicked ass and survived. Most certainly has some of the Sheldon stubbornness in her!
I moved away soon after Leanna came home and didn't get to spend nearly enough time with her. And so when I DID get the chance, I tried to spoil her with things that her Mother didn't allow. Makeup. Play Doh. Every noisy instrument you could think of. Finger paints. And when we were together, I used all of it with her. It was fun being a kid again!
When Leanna was very young, her baby brother Dylan died at 9 months old. Soon after, my Father died. One of the most vivid memories I have of Leanna and I is being on my Mother's outside deck, blowing bubbles with Leanna. She decided that we were sending the bubbles up to Heaven, to be with Dylan and Grampa.
When I was going through my cancer, Leanna, for a "kid" of only 22, was one of the biggest factors in my survival. She has a way with words. She sent me a bottle of bubbles, with some of the most encouraging messages on it. She sent me cards with wonderful, meaningful insights. She even asked me to be her Matron of Honor when she marries Sean, her significant other and her son Ian's father. She was amazingly supportive. I hope I've thanked her, but if not, thank you so much Leanna. I love you.
Leanna has not had the easiest of lives. I wish I could have been there for her more than I was. I always felt more like her Mom when I was with her. She recently gave birth to my great nephew Ian, who is almost as adorable as Leanna was when she was born. I am so proud of how far she's come and how she's making her own happiness, despite not having a great upbringing. She's a survivor, just like her Aunt!
Before the good Mark
A good friend commented on one of my blog posts today, mentioning that I have a gift....a huge heart. I am so glad she never met me in my "pre-Mark" days. Or is it my "pre-Prozac" days? I think that Mark has had a ton to do with my attitude adjustment over the past ten years or so. And Prozac has helped to make me a more tolerable person. I hope.
The concept of donating anything....time, money, goods....never entered my mind before Mark. I fought hard for what was mine, and what was mine, was mine. Nobody elses. I remember the first time Mark said to me "let's just give it to them". I stood there open-mouthed and confused. Give? As in "Give away for free"? But I had to pay for it, shouldn't everyone else?
Fostering babies and dogs was initially Mark's idea. And he had never had a pet growing up, but he knew of my love of dogs. Mark would do absolutely anything to make me happy. Anything. He initially wanted no children, when we first met. He went along with the idea of trying to get pregnant, and when that wasn't happening. he suggested the fostering. To help others. Anything to help others.
When I first discovered that Mark was, indeed, simply the nice man he appeared to be and not after anything, I have to admit that I at first took advantage of that. I had never had someone treat me like this. He would give me things and want nothing in return. Our first Christmas, he bought my Mom a brand new King-sized bed. Who DOES that? Mark does.
Mark went through a lot of "Mindi testing" before I could totally give my heart to him. Lots of "are you mad at me?" "do you want to hit me?" "do you want me to leave?" Games. Very silly, stupid, emotional games. I am SO BLESSED that he stayed with me through all that. He said that he always knew there was someone nice and caring under there somewhere, and he was willing to work for it.
Now, sometimes anyway, I'm the one who suggests doing for others. I love buying peoples' children things especially. That friend who commented on my heart earlier? Her Granddaughter is going to be getting a Scentsy Buddy in the mail soon! Just to see a happy face makes my day. Thanks to the good Mark.
The concept of donating anything....time, money, goods....never entered my mind before Mark. I fought hard for what was mine, and what was mine, was mine. Nobody elses. I remember the first time Mark said to me "let's just give it to them". I stood there open-mouthed and confused. Give? As in "Give away for free"? But I had to pay for it, shouldn't everyone else?
Fostering babies and dogs was initially Mark's idea. And he had never had a pet growing up, but he knew of my love of dogs. Mark would do absolutely anything to make me happy. Anything. He initially wanted no children, when we first met. He went along with the idea of trying to get pregnant, and when that wasn't happening. he suggested the fostering. To help others. Anything to help others.
When I first discovered that Mark was, indeed, simply the nice man he appeared to be and not after anything, I have to admit that I at first took advantage of that. I had never had someone treat me like this. He would give me things and want nothing in return. Our first Christmas, he bought my Mom a brand new King-sized bed. Who DOES that? Mark does.
Mark went through a lot of "Mindi testing" before I could totally give my heart to him. Lots of "are you mad at me?" "do you want to hit me?" "do you want me to leave?" Games. Very silly, stupid, emotional games. I am SO BLESSED that he stayed with me through all that. He said that he always knew there was someone nice and caring under there somewhere, and he was willing to work for it.
Now, sometimes anyway, I'm the one who suggests doing for others. I love buying peoples' children things especially. That friend who commented on my heart earlier? Her Granddaughter is going to be getting a Scentsy Buddy in the mail soon! Just to see a happy face makes my day. Thanks to the good Mark.
Our First Foster Child
Mark and I decided in 2005 that we were going to become Foster Parents. Things didn't seem to be working out with us conceiving on our own, and we wanted children in the house. We were living in Minnesota. We took the three mandatory classes, filled out a ton of paperwork, got fingerprinted, had background checks done on each of us, asked a ton of friends and family to give us a recommendation, and we were good to go.
Because of required privacy, we're going to call our first foster son Adam. We got a phone call, before we even had license in hand, from a social worker who said she had a placement for us. Adam had some special medical needs, as he was born very prematurely at 28 weeks and only weighed in at 2 lbs. He was now six months old and needed a place to stay, where there were no other children, where the foster parents could get him to his numerous medical appointments. That was us!!
To prepare for our first foster, Mark and I went out and bought $500 worth of supplies that we thought we needed. We had, in our home, two already painted and decorated rooms, each with a crib. One was pink and purple for a girl, and one was bright primary colors with transportation theme, for boys.
So on a May morning, Adam was brought to us by his social worker and his guardian ad litem. Such a cute little red headed boy! Adam had some obvious issues, some more hidden. Adam had a flat head. He had been in the hospital for the first months of his life, and his birth parents were too "scared" to go near him. Adam had a hernia, a huge hernia, underneath his diaper. And Adam had a smile that could light up a room!
We were scared to death of course! We had never had a child live with us! We had taken care of others' children, but never been totally in charge of a life. Especially a life so fragile and broken. But Adam turned out to be, with all his medical issues, a wonderful little house guest. He slept from 7 PM until 7 AM without a peep. Instant love!
Birth to Three came out to our home to assess Adam. He would require weekly occupational therapy, weekly physical therapy and weekly speech therapy. All the therapist originally came to our home, so that the birth parents could also come and watch and participate. That is until one day when birth Dad laid down on our futon, picked his toe nails and then fell asleep. And then during the next session, birth Mom decided she was so angry with me for taking care of her son that she attempted to run me over with her car, in our front yard. This ended the in-home therapies and from that point forward, we had the sessions downtown in their offices instead.
We had to drive an hour away for most of Adam's appointments. Birth parents were always invited, never showed up. Adam was fitted with a Cranio Cap for his flat head. We brought him for adjustments once a week. He had a special eye doctor, a renal doctor, a urologist. We brought him to the hospital and stayed overnight with him when he had his hernia repair. He came through that like a trooper! Nothing seemed to really bother Adam, and he was always smiling.
One of Adam's favorite things to do was bounce in his Jumperoo, and watch Barney, who was then just a crazy Pug puppy, run around the house like a crazy dog. So much fun for him. So much laughter. Despite all the medical issues, the living in a bubble because of his immune system, the issues with birth parents....we were a happy, if a bit different, family.
When Adam had been with us for about six months, his birth Mom gave birth to his sister, we'll call her Lilly. Around that same time, the family went to court and birth Mom and children were ordered into "full-family" foster care. They were going to be moved into a very experienced foster home, and taught how to parent. Initially, birth Mom refused, which would have resulted in a TPR, termination of parental rights. But in the end, she relented. The judge ordered, for the first time that county had ever seen, visitation for Mark and I. He had a feeling things wouldn't work out with Adam and birth Mom, and wanted to keep that bond with us, just in case.
Adam was moved to his new home in October. His birth Mom took me aside, apologized to me for her behavior, and asked me, if things didn't work out, would Mark and I adopt both Adam and Lilly. Of course we said yes.
A few weeks later, Grampa Vince passed away, we went to the UP Michigan for the funeral. When we came home, we found out that I was pregnant, for the first time, at 37! We tried to keep all the weekly visits with Adam, plus our doctor visits, and preparing for OUR baby, all nice and neatly scheduled. There came a point where I saw that birth Mom was doing what she was supposed to be doing, she was mothering her children. After long talks with the full-family foster Mom, Mark and I decided to withdraw our visits with Adam and let their family be a family. And to our knowledge, they are still a family today! Some things, things your never thought would, work out.
We'll always remember Adam, as our first and most complicated, foster son!
Because of required privacy, we're going to call our first foster son Adam. We got a phone call, before we even had license in hand, from a social worker who said she had a placement for us. Adam had some special medical needs, as he was born very prematurely at 28 weeks and only weighed in at 2 lbs. He was now six months old and needed a place to stay, where there were no other children, where the foster parents could get him to his numerous medical appointments. That was us!!
To prepare for our first foster, Mark and I went out and bought $500 worth of supplies that we thought we needed. We had, in our home, two already painted and decorated rooms, each with a crib. One was pink and purple for a girl, and one was bright primary colors with transportation theme, for boys.
So on a May morning, Adam was brought to us by his social worker and his guardian ad litem. Such a cute little red headed boy! Adam had some obvious issues, some more hidden. Adam had a flat head. He had been in the hospital for the first months of his life, and his birth parents were too "scared" to go near him. Adam had a hernia, a huge hernia, underneath his diaper. And Adam had a smile that could light up a room!
We were scared to death of course! We had never had a child live with us! We had taken care of others' children, but never been totally in charge of a life. Especially a life so fragile and broken. But Adam turned out to be, with all his medical issues, a wonderful little house guest. He slept from 7 PM until 7 AM without a peep. Instant love!
Birth to Three came out to our home to assess Adam. He would require weekly occupational therapy, weekly physical therapy and weekly speech therapy. All the therapist originally came to our home, so that the birth parents could also come and watch and participate. That is until one day when birth Dad laid down on our futon, picked his toe nails and then fell asleep. And then during the next session, birth Mom decided she was so angry with me for taking care of her son that she attempted to run me over with her car, in our front yard. This ended the in-home therapies and from that point forward, we had the sessions downtown in their offices instead.
We had to drive an hour away for most of Adam's appointments. Birth parents were always invited, never showed up. Adam was fitted with a Cranio Cap for his flat head. We brought him for adjustments once a week. He had a special eye doctor, a renal doctor, a urologist. We brought him to the hospital and stayed overnight with him when he had his hernia repair. He came through that like a trooper! Nothing seemed to really bother Adam, and he was always smiling.
One of Adam's favorite things to do was bounce in his Jumperoo, and watch Barney, who was then just a crazy Pug puppy, run around the house like a crazy dog. So much fun for him. So much laughter. Despite all the medical issues, the living in a bubble because of his immune system, the issues with birth parents....we were a happy, if a bit different, family.
When Adam had been with us for about six months, his birth Mom gave birth to his sister, we'll call her Lilly. Around that same time, the family went to court and birth Mom and children were ordered into "full-family" foster care. They were going to be moved into a very experienced foster home, and taught how to parent. Initially, birth Mom refused, which would have resulted in a TPR, termination of parental rights. But in the end, she relented. The judge ordered, for the first time that county had ever seen, visitation for Mark and I. He had a feeling things wouldn't work out with Adam and birth Mom, and wanted to keep that bond with us, just in case.
Adam was moved to his new home in October. His birth Mom took me aside, apologized to me for her behavior, and asked me, if things didn't work out, would Mark and I adopt both Adam and Lilly. Of course we said yes.
A few weeks later, Grampa Vince passed away, we went to the UP Michigan for the funeral. When we came home, we found out that I was pregnant, for the first time, at 37! We tried to keep all the weekly visits with Adam, plus our doctor visits, and preparing for OUR baby, all nice and neatly scheduled. There came a point where I saw that birth Mom was doing what she was supposed to be doing, she was mothering her children. After long talks with the full-family foster Mom, Mark and I decided to withdraw our visits with Adam and let their family be a family. And to our knowledge, they are still a family today! Some things, things your never thought would, work out.
We'll always remember Adam, as our first and most complicated, foster son!
Dirty Little Secret
The only reason I've been perusing Yahoo Mail (and TMZ) as of late, is to see where Lindsay Lohan is and what she's up to. I'm a Lindsay voyeur.
Have to go cleanse myself now.
Have to go cleanse myself now.
Friday, May 3, 2013
Siblings
In our family, we have his, hers and theirs. But I've, for the most part, always considered them all my "real" brothers and sisters.
First in line is Rick. Rick was born 10 years before me, to my Mom and her ex-husband. Rick lived with us for much of my growing up. Rick has always called me "Hank"....to this day I have no idea why? My older sister Lisa is Maude. And my little sister Kathy was "Dreamboat". He went into the Army for a while and then to college at UVM. Political Science major I believe. I've always felt closest to Rick as a sibling. He's been through a lot. He lives now in PA with his wife Lori, who he met online. They have a son named RJ, who has Down's Syndrome. I have yet to meet Lori or RJ (or Lori's son from a previous relationship, Chris). Rick inherited the lovely addiction to alcohol from not only his birth Dad but my Dad, his step-dad, as well. He went into rehab a few years back (it was either that, or die). He's been sober ever since. Sobriety is a huge hurdle to overcome and I'm proud of him.
Second in line is Sue. Sue was also born ten years before me, to my Dad and his ex-wife. Sue I have not seen since I was about 6 years old. She was living with us up until her teen years and then moved back with her birth Mom. I don't remember much about Sue. I think she was an angry, violent person, from what I recall. I don't know, but assume, that she has also suffered from addiction in her past. I can't imagine her not, not when coming from this family. We tried to find Sue when my Dad died but couldn't.
Third in line is Gayle. She was born nine years before me, to my Mom and her ex-husband. Gayle I haven't seen in quite a few years but have had contact with her via telephone and emails. Gayle lives relatively close to my Mom in the city where I was born, Dunkirk, NY. She was the contact when my Mom was hospitalized and in rehab/nursing home last year. I think that Gayle lived with us as a family until I was maybe 8? And then she moved back to her Father's home. Gayle came back to live with us when for a year or so before our car accident. I remember being very excited for her to come live with us....but then I got jealous and bitter. I'm an attention seeker, and don't care for when others get more than I.
Fourth in line is Beth. Beth was born nine years before me, to my Dad and his ex wife. Beth lived with us until her teen years as well. And then she went to live with her birth Mother. Beth was, from what I remember, into drugs and drinking. I smoked my first cigarette and pot and drank my first beer when my parents sent Lisa and I off to Beth's home after our car accident. I was probably 12? 13? All I remember is having to take a LONG Greyhound bus home the very next day and spending the entire time in the bathroom, puking my guts out. Amazing that I continued to smoke and drink after that episode! Beth was contacted when our Dad died. but she didn't much care.
It was at that point, when my Dad died and his three children from a previous marriage really didn't acknowledge his death, that my Mother told me I only had four siblings, not seven.
Fifth would be Jim. I believe he is seven years older than I? He is my Father's son from his first marriage. Jim lived with us up until a little before the car accident. When the car accident happened, Jim and Rick both made it home to be with us. That I will always remember. Jim called me "kiddo", even as an adult. From what I understand, although I haven't seen him since the car accident, Jim became an alcoholic, following in the lines of his and my Father. I called him when Dad died, he was nice to talk to. That was 20 years ago and I haven't heard from him since.
Sixth is Lisa. She is my "real" sister. She was born two years before me. Lisa and I have had a....different....relationship. I always felt that, growing up, I could count on her when my Father went into his drunken rages. At one point, we rigged a little can/pully outside our bedroom windows, because we were sent to bed without dinner so often, and my parents listened for footsteps. So our thought was that we pass food to each other when necessary. Not sure we ever used it? I remember when Kathy died, Lisa let me sleep in her room with her because I was scared to be in the same room that Kathy and I had shared. I remember always being scared of the dark and many times, Lisa would get up with me in the night and go to the bathroom with me. And then, as adults, our friendship stopped. Lisa started smoking pot a LOT. She left her husband and her daughter to live with someone new....but didn't bother to tell either of them that she was leaving. I miss being friends with Lisa, and hope that we can repair the damage before it's too late.
I was the seventh child.
Eighth and final was Kathy Jo. Kathy was also my "real" sister. Kathy Jo was smart. And cute. And the favorite. She died at age eight when Lisa and I and Kathy Jo were hit by a car while we waited for the school bus. It's been almost 34 years now, and I still can see that car coming at us. I can still remember my Mom and Dad telling Lisa and I, while we were in Springfield Hospital, that Kathy had died. I wonder what she would be like today. How life would be different today.
I am going to attempt to name all my nieces and nephews from all these siblings. I'm sorry if some of them escape me. Most I have only met a few times, some not at all.
Rick has RJ and Chris
Sue had no children
Beth has Melinda Jean and Christopher
Gayle had Fallon
Jim has James
Lisa had Dylan, has Leanna and Ben.
First in line is Rick. Rick was born 10 years before me, to my Mom and her ex-husband. Rick lived with us for much of my growing up. Rick has always called me "Hank"....to this day I have no idea why? My older sister Lisa is Maude. And my little sister Kathy was "Dreamboat". He went into the Army for a while and then to college at UVM. Political Science major I believe. I've always felt closest to Rick as a sibling. He's been through a lot. He lives now in PA with his wife Lori, who he met online. They have a son named RJ, who has Down's Syndrome. I have yet to meet Lori or RJ (or Lori's son from a previous relationship, Chris). Rick inherited the lovely addiction to alcohol from not only his birth Dad but my Dad, his step-dad, as well. He went into rehab a few years back (it was either that, or die). He's been sober ever since. Sobriety is a huge hurdle to overcome and I'm proud of him.
Second in line is Sue. Sue was also born ten years before me, to my Dad and his ex-wife. Sue I have not seen since I was about 6 years old. She was living with us up until her teen years and then moved back with her birth Mom. I don't remember much about Sue. I think she was an angry, violent person, from what I recall. I don't know, but assume, that she has also suffered from addiction in her past. I can't imagine her not, not when coming from this family. We tried to find Sue when my Dad died but couldn't.
Third in line is Gayle. She was born nine years before me, to my Mom and her ex-husband. Gayle I haven't seen in quite a few years but have had contact with her via telephone and emails. Gayle lives relatively close to my Mom in the city where I was born, Dunkirk, NY. She was the contact when my Mom was hospitalized and in rehab/nursing home last year. I think that Gayle lived with us as a family until I was maybe 8? And then she moved back to her Father's home. Gayle came back to live with us when for a year or so before our car accident. I remember being very excited for her to come live with us....but then I got jealous and bitter. I'm an attention seeker, and don't care for when others get more than I.
Fourth in line is Beth. Beth was born nine years before me, to my Dad and his ex wife. Beth lived with us until her teen years as well. And then she went to live with her birth Mother. Beth was, from what I remember, into drugs and drinking. I smoked my first cigarette and pot and drank my first beer when my parents sent Lisa and I off to Beth's home after our car accident. I was probably 12? 13? All I remember is having to take a LONG Greyhound bus home the very next day and spending the entire time in the bathroom, puking my guts out. Amazing that I continued to smoke and drink after that episode! Beth was contacted when our Dad died. but she didn't much care.
It was at that point, when my Dad died and his three children from a previous marriage really didn't acknowledge his death, that my Mother told me I only had four siblings, not seven.
Fifth would be Jim. I believe he is seven years older than I? He is my Father's son from his first marriage. Jim lived with us up until a little before the car accident. When the car accident happened, Jim and Rick both made it home to be with us. That I will always remember. Jim called me "kiddo", even as an adult. From what I understand, although I haven't seen him since the car accident, Jim became an alcoholic, following in the lines of his and my Father. I called him when Dad died, he was nice to talk to. That was 20 years ago and I haven't heard from him since.
Sixth is Lisa. She is my "real" sister. She was born two years before me. Lisa and I have had a....different....relationship. I always felt that, growing up, I could count on her when my Father went into his drunken rages. At one point, we rigged a little can/pully outside our bedroom windows, because we were sent to bed without dinner so often, and my parents listened for footsteps. So our thought was that we pass food to each other when necessary. Not sure we ever used it? I remember when Kathy died, Lisa let me sleep in her room with her because I was scared to be in the same room that Kathy and I had shared. I remember always being scared of the dark and many times, Lisa would get up with me in the night and go to the bathroom with me. And then, as adults, our friendship stopped. Lisa started smoking pot a LOT. She left her husband and her daughter to live with someone new....but didn't bother to tell either of them that she was leaving. I miss being friends with Lisa, and hope that we can repair the damage before it's too late.
I was the seventh child.
Eighth and final was Kathy Jo. Kathy was also my "real" sister. Kathy Jo was smart. And cute. And the favorite. She died at age eight when Lisa and I and Kathy Jo were hit by a car while we waited for the school bus. It's been almost 34 years now, and I still can see that car coming at us. I can still remember my Mom and Dad telling Lisa and I, while we were in Springfield Hospital, that Kathy had died. I wonder what she would be like today. How life would be different today.
I am going to attempt to name all my nieces and nephews from all these siblings. I'm sorry if some of them escape me. Most I have only met a few times, some not at all.
Rick has RJ and Chris
Sue had no children
Beth has Melinda Jean and Christopher
Gayle had Fallon
Jim has James
Lisa had Dylan, has Leanna and Ben.
What does one do when one has nothing to do?
I'm playing on Youtube. I am bored out of my skull. Mark's gone shopping. The Three Stooges are all snoring. I contemplated going back to bed, but instead took a shower. We need a foster placement. We need a child in our house again.
I am becoming further ensconced in my love of Eddie Vedder's voice by the hour. Sorry Noell. I am just amazed that I've come this far in life without knowing what a voice he has!! I own some Pearl Jam....but I feel that his voice stands out more on his own or with someone....oh, say....Roger Waters?
Here's a video of Eddie with Ben Harper. Love it.
I have always loved Glen Hansard's voice (Falling Slowly). Watch how amazing Glen is with Eddie.
And then there's Wild Horses with the Stones
And probably my favorite, with Roger Waters
Thursday, May 2, 2013
Lesson of the Day
Questions. Ask questions.
We received yet another bill for about $300 in the mail this weekend. I called our insurance company because I KNEW we had already paid $2600 out of pocket.
In the midst of trying to find out why we owed the $300, we found that they had billed my doctor in the hospital as out of network. And so, they have asked us not to pay the newest bill because "there appears to be many screw ups in our billing", and we might be receiving almost the entire $600 back that was billed as out of network, because he is NOT out of network.
Had I NOT questioned our insurance company, we would have paid the $300 charge and might never have seen the total of almost $900 that they owe us!
And the moral of this story? Always question. And we're 100% paid and any medical supplies and services are now free until December!
We received yet another bill for about $300 in the mail this weekend. I called our insurance company because I KNEW we had already paid $2600 out of pocket.
In the midst of trying to find out why we owed the $300, we found that they had billed my doctor in the hospital as out of network. And so, they have asked us not to pay the newest bill because "there appears to be many screw ups in our billing", and we might be receiving almost the entire $600 back that was billed as out of network, because he is NOT out of network.
Had I NOT questioned our insurance company, we would have paid the $300 charge and might never have seen the total of almost $900 that they owe us!
And the moral of this story? Always question. And we're 100% paid and any medical supplies and services are now free until December!
They always find me
I try to hide from them. I try to play the "if I ignore it long enough, it will go away" game. Avoidance is my specialty!
Apparently I've been found.
Over the past two weeks, I have had dentist appointments, primary doctor appointments, specialty urology appointments, psychiatric appointments, mammogram appointments. WHAT ELSE DO THEY WANT FROM ME????
Two left. Maybe three. Eye doctor for diabetic eye appointment. Perhaps specialist for possible surgery on my hernia. And the local urologist just called to schedule a ct urogram. I pay these doctors' salaries, just so you know!
ETA: When you have someone on hold and you're talking on the other line on your land line ...and your cell rings AND gives you the text tone......it's time for a nap.
Apparently I've been found.
Over the past two weeks, I have had dentist appointments, primary doctor appointments, specialty urology appointments, psychiatric appointments, mammogram appointments. WHAT ELSE DO THEY WANT FROM ME????
Two left. Maybe three. Eye doctor for diabetic eye appointment. Perhaps specialist for possible surgery on my hernia. And the local urologist just called to schedule a ct urogram. I pay these doctors' salaries, just so you know!
ETA: When you have someone on hold and you're talking on the other line on your land line ...and your cell rings AND gives you the text tone......it's time for a nap.
Wednesday, May 1, 2013
Gun Control
While I feel about gun control the same as I do about restraining orders (evil people will do what they want, regardless of background checks and restraining orders) (and I actually feel the restraining orders can push a person over the edge, if they are teetering), this article kills me. How can ANYONE justify giving a five-year-old a rifle? I don't care what state you live in....that should be considered child abuse. Unfortunately, the parents will suffer enough now that they provided the instrument to their son that he used to (accidentally) kill his sister.
SICK.
SICK.
BURKESVILLE, Ky. (AP) — In southern Kentucky, where children get their first guns even before they start first grade, Stephanie Sparks paid little attention as her 5-year-old son, Kristian, played with the rifle he was given last year. Then, as she stepped onto the front porch while cleaning the kitchen, "she heard the gun go off," a coroner said.
In a horrific accident Tuesday that shocked a rural area far removed from the national debate over gun control, the boy had killed his 2-year-old sister, Caroline, with a single shot to the chest.
"Down in Kentucky where we're from, you know, guns are passed down from generation to generation," Cumberland County Coroner Gary White said. "You start at a young age with guns for hunting and everything."
What is more unusual than a child having a gun, he said, is "that a kid would get shot with it."
In this case, the rifle was made by a company that sells guns specifically for children — "My first rifle" is the slogan — in colors ranging from plain brown to hot pink to orange to royal blue to multi-color swirls.
Kristian's rifle was kept in a corner of the mobile home, and the family didn't realize a bullet had been left in it.
"It's a normal way of life, and it's not just rural Kentucky, it's rural America — hunting and shooting and sport fishing. It starts at an early age," said Cumberland County Judge Executive John Phelps. "There's probably not a household in this county that doesn't have a gun."
In Cumberland County, as elsewhere in Kentucky, local newspapers feature photos of children proudly displaying their kills, including turkey and deer.
Phelps, who is much like a mayor in these parts, said it had been four or five years since there had been a shooting death in the county, which lies along the Cumberland River near the Tennessee state line.
"The whole town is heartbroken," Phelps said of Burkesville, a farming community of 1,800 about 90 miles northeast of Nashville, Tenn. "This was a total shock. This was totally unexpected."
Phelps said he knew the family well. He said the father, Chris Sparks, works as a logger at a mill and also shoes horses.
The family lives in a gray mobile home on a long, winding road, surrounded by rolling hills and farmland that's been in the family since the 1930s. Toys, including a small truck and a basketball goal, were on the front porch, but no one was home Wednesday.
There's a house across the street, but the next closest neighbor lives over a hill.
Family friend Logan Wells said he received a frantic call telling him that the little girl was in an accident and to come quickly.
When he got to the hospital, Caroline was already dead. "She passed just when I got there," Wells said.
White said the shooting had been ruled accidental, though a police spokesman said it was unclear whether any charges will be filed.
"I think it's too early to say whether there will or won't be," Trooper Billy Gregory said.
White said the boy received the .22-caliber rifle as a gift, but it wasn't clear who gave him the gun, which is known as a Crickett.
"It's a little rifle for a kid. ... The little boy's used to shooting the little gun," White said.
The company that makes the rifle, Milton, Pa.-based Keystone Sporting Arms, has a "Kids Corner" on its website with pictures of young boys and girls at shooting ranges and on bird and deer hunts. It says the company produced 60,000 Crickett and Chipmunk rifles for kids in 2008. The smaller rifles are sold with a mount to use at a shooting range.
Keystone also makes guns for adults, but most of its products are geared toward children, including books and bright orange vests and hats.
"The goal of KSA is to instill gun safety in the minds of youth shooters and encourage them to gain the knowledge and respect that hunting and shooting activities require and deserve," the website said.
No one at the company answered the phone Wednesday.
According to the website, company founders Bill McNeal and his son Steve McNeal decided to make guns for young shooters in the mid-1990s and opened Keystone in 1996 with just four employees, producing 4,000 rifles that year. It now employs about 70 people.
It also has a long list of testimonials from parents who talk about how grateful they are to be able to go shooting with their children.
Sharon Rengers, a longtime child advocate at Kosair Children's Hospital in Louisville, said making and marketing weapons specifically for children was "mind-boggling."
"It's like, oh, my God," she said, "we're having a big national debate whether we want to check somebody's background, but we're going to offer a 4-year-old a gun and expect something good from that?"
___
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Amanda Knox
I want to believe in her. I DO feel badly for her. But I think she did it. I watched her interview last night with Diane Sawyer, and I found her very unbelievable.
But then again, I thought that Casey Anthony was guilty as sin. And OJ? Thought he was a goner as well. So my reading on possible convicts must be wrong, right? There couldn't possibly be a glitch in the US Justice (or Italian, whichever the case may be) system. Could there?
But then again, I thought that Casey Anthony was guilty as sin. And OJ? Thought he was a goner as well. So my reading on possible convicts must be wrong, right? There couldn't possibly be a glitch in the US Justice (or Italian, whichever the case may be) system. Could there?
I miss it already
Although today has been a busy day and so I probably wouldn't have been on much.....I still miss the interaction on Facebook.
Had a nice chat with an old friend yesterday and came to the decision that I just put too much emphasis on what people who I don't even know think of me. "Friends" on Facebook aren't really the same as "friends" in real life. And so, keeping that in mind, I have decided that if/when I come back, I will be only keeping the "friends" that I know or have met or will be meeting soon. It's just too ridiculous that something someone said, whom I have never met, can send me into tears. That's just wrong. Childish on my part, surprising coming from a 45 year old.
Today we had a meeting with social services. We've decided that we will be back to fostering, but only respite....for a few days to a week or so. No chance of attachment. We want children in our home, but our hearts aren't ready to take a chance again. Yet. We have adoption classes coming up in a few weeks....or maybe next week. Must check that. Our hope is to sometime soon have a forever child in our beautiful nursery.
I wonder if anyone on Facebook misses me?
Had a nice chat with an old friend yesterday and came to the decision that I just put too much emphasis on what people who I don't even know think of me. "Friends" on Facebook aren't really the same as "friends" in real life. And so, keeping that in mind, I have decided that if/when I come back, I will be only keeping the "friends" that I know or have met or will be meeting soon. It's just too ridiculous that something someone said, whom I have never met, can send me into tears. That's just wrong. Childish on my part, surprising coming from a 45 year old.
Today we had a meeting with social services. We've decided that we will be back to fostering, but only respite....for a few days to a week or so. No chance of attachment. We want children in our home, but our hearts aren't ready to take a chance again. Yet. We have adoption classes coming up in a few weeks....or maybe next week. Must check that. Our hope is to sometime soon have a forever child in our beautiful nursery.
I wonder if anyone on Facebook misses me?
Coffee
I love coffee.
I love the smell of coffee.
I love waking up to the smell of coffee.
I love that we have a nice coffee maker that is programmable.
I love that my coffee maker can be programmed so I smell coffee when I first wake up.
I especially love when I remember to program the programmable coffee maker the previous evening.
I did not smell coffee when I woke up this morning.
I did not love that.
The end.
I love the smell of coffee.
I love waking up to the smell of coffee.
I love that we have a nice coffee maker that is programmable.
I love that my coffee maker can be programmed so I smell coffee when I first wake up.
I especially love when I remember to program the programmable coffee maker the previous evening.
I did not smell coffee when I woke up this morning.
I did not love that.
The end.
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