Have you ever considered

suicide?

I've thought about it, years ago, when I was in my first marriage.  I didn't have a lot of money back then, but I thought that maybe a couple bottles of cheap sleeping pills would have done the trick.  The problem is, back then, nobody other than my family really would have given a shit had I left this earth.  So, pointless.  If my killing myself wasn't going to have an impact, then why bother?

I can see where, if people are reading my blog, where I might sound a bit suicidal sometimes.  In all honesty, I do feel that I have that privilege.  That being said, I'm not, nor have I been since I met Mark, suicidal in any way shape or form.  What I am, a lot of the times, is disappointed.

It disappoints me when people KNOW that Mark and I have a very hard time saying "no" and that is used against us to the Nth degree.  To me, it's bullying. No, we're not so wishy-washy that we have to be pushed into anything.  We LIKE our lives the way they are.  When we want to reach out and be social, we DO.  We're adults, please treat us as such.

It disappoints me that Mark had such a quiet simple life before he met me.  And money.  He had money.  It disappoints me that I haven't contributed more to our lives, other than debt, and worry, and cancer, and taking on three dogs when Mark specifically said ONE.  At the end of the day, were I to be asked "what do you think you contribute to society, Mindi?"....what am I going to say?  I make is smell better because I sell Scentsy to the point of annoying the hell out of everyone?  Yes, I am quite the philanthropist.

I'm disappointed in the world today.  The violence.  The bullying.  The "who gives a shit" attitude.  Every day there's something new to read about, and cry about.  Who would give their five-year-old a rifle?  Who in their right mind would kidnap three women for ten YEARS?  Why would someone want to place bombs at the Boston Marathon?  Really, these are all the only reasons I am grateful to NOT have children right now.  I have no idea how the hell I would explain these fucking lunatics to my children when I can't even explain it in my own head.  People look at me sometimes like I'm borderline insane because of my OCD and my anxiety and my quirks.....but I can tell you, it would never EVER enter my mind to do anything remotely violent or newsworthy.  Even when I was being beaten and thrown into walls and tossed down stairways.....violence was never an option.

I'm disappointed in not being understood.  I have many friends who have tried to "get me", and they "get me" enough to be my friends.  But you'd have had to live in my world and have had gone through what I've gone through to truly relate.  Even Mark can't relate....but he can sympathize and empathize and be here for me and listen to me.  Many times I feel that my friends think I'm about to lose it.  I've even had one friend give me permission to lose it!  But, just as with the cancer, I am a survivor.  I will get a bit....loony....once  in a while.  And that's when I need understanding.  Think about what I've been through.  Don't feel badly for me or feel that I'm going to commit suicide, because I'm not.  Sometimes I just need to breathe.