Bladder cancer

About 10 years ago, I started having visible blood and clots in my urine.  Every time I went to the doctors about it, they chalked it up to another UTI.  I also have PCOS which leads to abnormal paps, abnormal cycles, abnormal....everything.  So I thought nothing of it when I, for about 7 years, regularly urinated blood. Doctors are always right, right?

So when I found out in October of 2010 that I was pregnant, without the use of any fertility drugs (our first two, our son Daniel and our early loss we named Sweetpea, were Clomid babies), I felt like maybe this time we'd have the baby we always wanted.

When I started showing some blood in my urine, the OBGYN once again put me on antibiotics, assuming it was another UTI.  But then when none of my symptoms changed, THIS OBGYN went one step further....she must have had suspicions?  She had me in for an ultrasound for what I thought was to check on the baby (we never did get to see the baby on ultrasound.  At least with our other two, I have photos as memories).  No baby.  Scan over to bladder.  Tons of tumors.  Covered in tumors.

I didn't realize it at the time, frankly because the "C" word has always scared the living shit out of me......I was just delusional enough to think that the tumors were just many MANY polyps.  Duh Mindi.  I went for a specialized scope the following Monday at a Urologist's office.  Even when he showed me all the "polyps" close up, I was still thinking it's not cancer.  It's polyps.

Fast forward a whole week.  I had outpatient surgery, called a TURBT.  They knock you out and go into your bladder and scrape and burn and take samples for pathology.  Fun times.  I remember waking up from the surgery in the waiting room, looking at the nurse and saying "get this f'n thing out of me" (I used the complete word though!).....I had a catheter inside of me that I wanted removed IMMEDIATELY.  Funny, I now catheterize many times daily and have a lifetime supply of the things!

Waiting on pathology takes forever, seems like forever anyway.  I was such a mess waiting.  When the results finally came in, I would not wait for a doctor's appointment.  I begged and pleaded and the doctor finally called me with the results.  Stage II and possibly III bladder cancer.  Gold standard treatment....chemo and then bladder removal.  Things got pretty real after that.

My psychiatrist said that I shut off all my other mental health issues (anxiety, OCD, panic attacks, PTSD) to deal with the cancer.  And, all in all, I think I dealt with is rather well.  People told me how proud they were of me.  What else are you going to do when they say it's cancer?  Sink or swim.  Fight or die.  I chose to just keep swimming and fight.

Chemo sucked but was survivable.  Tired all the time.  Threw up a couple times.  Lost most of my hair.  Had wonderful husband and neighbors and friends to help me through it all.  I felt bad for Mark and kept wondering when he was going to leave me.  That man stood by my side through it ALL.  Not an easy task.

Surgery on March 24, 2011.  LONG day, for everyone but me because I was out.  12 hours.  Removal of my bladder, removal of my uterus, removal of a bunch of nodes for testing.  And then another surgeon built me my new fangled Indiana Pouch, an interior reservoir that holds urine.  I now urinate through a catheter that is stuck into my belly button stoma.  Yes, I'm sexy and I know it.

Lasting affects of this whole drama?  I still suffer from chemo brain (yes, it IS real).  My short term memory is awful.  I struggle to find the right words sometimes.  I seem to visit our local hospital once a year for a week or so....infections, septic shock, abscesses, hematomas.....most know me by name there.  I have a hernia the size of a basketball that cannot be fixed without a huge surgery, the moving of my stoma, and probably having an outside bag the rest of my life.  And so I adjust.  I live.  I thank God for my family and friends.  And I hope.