Sometimes typing in my blog feels so narcissistic. It's all about me me me.
I've been searching on YouTube for information on bladder cancer. It's easier to explain myself, and my new attitude, once bladder cancer is explained. For the past few years, it has been all about me me me....and that bothers me.
Mark has gone through more with me than any man should have to. There is a huge rate of divorce in couple affected by cancer. Huge. And Mark never left my side. I remember an EMT rolling me down to radiology for yet another CT scan, and I just started crying. He asked me if I was okay, and I said "I just feel so bad for Mark". I got a nice little lecture from this EMT that started off with "you're the one with cancer". I don't think you know until you've been through it, but if you're in a strong relationship with your caregiver/spouse/friend, the caregiver ALSO has the cancer. The caregiver probably goes through more emotionally than the patient!
Mark sat for 12 hours in the hospital, by himself, for my surgery. Those 12 hours were nothing to me, but can you imagine what went through his head while he was waiting? He said that when he finally got to see me in recovery, he had to look away at first. I looked THAT bad. Or as my wonderful husband put it...."you looked like shit". I felt like shit. I felt like I wanted to die.
My fight with cancer was OUR fight with cancer. I've never known such love and support and understanding in my life. While anyone who knows Mark knows that he is a quiet, shy man....it's that quiet strength that got us through the cancer. I couldn't have done it without him. And again, not to sound too narcissistic, but I am blessed.
Okay....here's a few videos about bladder cancer, about the diversion I chose, and survival.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2_hjP8Skw4w
Oh my goodness. I didn't know that you were going through such a struggle. I agree with the EMT, you need to focus on YOU for a little while and get yourself better, but Mark really does sound wonderful. Sending up prayers for you both.
ReplyDeleteMy mom is taking care of her brother who has lung cancer. It is just as hard on her, as it is on her brother because she is constantly worrying about him, wondering if he is in pain, or hiding any symptoms. You are right about the cancer affecting the person as well as the caregiver, but you have every right to be a little narcissistic! Best wishes!
ReplyDeleteThis is such an amazing view point that I would have never known about. Thank you for sharing :)
ReplyDeleteOur prayers are with you during this time. My father in law went through colon cancer and can not imagine what my mother in law went through
ReplyDeleteYou have been through so much, what an inspiration you are, and a very strong woman at that! My prayers are with you and your husband.
ReplyDeleteI *so* get it! My mom had breast cancer in the mid-90's. I was just getting out of college/starting my adult life. I was so detached from everything going on, and knowing what I know now... I regret a lot. My parents dealt with a lot on their own. Fast forward 10 years... my own cancer diagnosis comes. My husband and I had been married almost 3 years at that point and we had an 8 month old. We were both terrified. We hadn't known anyone who survived long term after being diagnosed. My mom, my oldest brother, and my father-in-law all passed with 2 years of their initial diagnosis. Just to kick us while we were down, my dad was diagnosed with a similar form of cancer a month after me. My wonderful husband (who is an insulin dependent diabetic) willingly opened our house to him so we could care for him. God bless my husband! He took care of me (I'm a terribly stubborn patient), my dad, and our baby. All while attempting to work from home. It was incredibly hard, and I'd be lying if I alluded that our marriage hasn't suffered. But... I have survived (7 years in remission, and counting :) ), my dad has survived (8 years in remission and 85 years old), and our son is almost 10 (and has no real memory of the hell we all went through, thank God).
ReplyDeleteLife is surely different, and I am most certainly a very different person (physically and emotionally) than I was before cancer. Some changes are good, others not, but I'll take them. The alternative was not acceptable. My husband and I have defied more odds than most. I'm glad that you and Mark have also defied odds!
;) Angie