Don't Leave Me

"Where are you going?"
"What are you doing?"
"Are you mad at me?"
"Do you want to hit me?"

In the beginning of my relationship with the good Mark, these were all phrases out of my mouth, some numerous times a day.  I was scared.  I'm still scared.

I'm scared that Mark will figure out that he got the short end of the stick on this relationship and he'll want to leave.

I'm scared that one day he will turn out like the rest and get so angry with me that he has to hit me.

I'm scared that he will leave one day and I don't know where he went and he'll never come back.

I'm always scared that I will anger him.

He has never ever given me reason to feel this way.  He has never even raised his voice to me.  But my past warrants my present behavior I guess.

I'm always scared that my friends are going to see what a lunatic I am and just leave me.  I wouldn't stay with me, I'm crazy!  How anyone puts up with me is beyond mind boggling.  I am always tense when checking how many friends I have left on Facebook.  When one disappears, I look for reassurance from everyone else....but all I feel is that it was most definitely something I did, and I'll never get that friend back.  Doesn't matter even if it's a friend I've never met in real life.  It hurts me.

My little sister left me when I was 11.  Yes, she was killed and it wasn't her choice, but it still happened.  My father used to leave my mother all the time, leaving her a note which almost always said something about "you and your baby (Mindi) can be alone now".  My ex-husband?  He took off for places unknown (or Ohio)  every few months.  He always felt it best not to tell me until he got to his destination, because I would become hysterical if he told me about it beforehand.  I actually found out beforehand once....and I took his packed bag of clothing, put it into the washing machine, filled up the machine and then stopped it.  So when he got home to get on a plane, everything he owned was soaking wet.  Today I find that humorous. Back then, I had to disappear so as to not get killed by the ex.

Every person who has cemented themselves in my life goes through a test of sorts, to make sure they aren't going to leave me.  "Where are you going?" and "Are you mad at me" are very common to hear if you are my friend.  It doesn't help to point it out to me.  It doesn't help to reassure.  It's just ME.  I don't know that I will ever change.  I was born worrying, I was born scared.  Quite honestly, it sucks.  Sometimes I feel like I can't be myself....because myself is just too much to handle.  Myself is too annoying.  Myself is too clingy and needy and sad and alone and deranged and

Don't leave me.