Sad souls

Funny, I never really considered myself sad.  When the doctor's go through their list of "must ask even if it's a silly question", questions, they always ask me how my depression is doing.  How I'm feeling.  How sad am I?

Well, from reading and re-reading my blog, it would appear that I should be pretty damned sad, huh?  Man I've had a shitty life.  But Man, do I have a great life now.  What a difference a mere 34 years makes.

So I hear today from a friend who has this friend who really feels like he is me.  Or me is he.  Or we were sad soul mates in a past/present/future life.  I don't know how we survive, us sad souls.  If you read the words from a sad soul, it would appear that they are always on the edge, or SHOULD be on the edge.  Or should have jumped off the edge a long time ago.

It's hard to describe how "we" survive.  We move on and never ever ever forget about our pasts.  "People" attempt to make you forget.  "People" say you need to move on.  "People" say, my God Mindi, it's been 34 years, time to be happy.  But the problem is in the replaying of that day 34 years ago.  It's not forgotten.  It never will be.  And in between then and now, there's the alcoholic father, the abusive ex husband, the loss of our babies, the cancer.

And there's also Mark, the bright light.  The man who makes it possible for me to answer the doctors with, usually, an "I'm fine".  And really, what more can you hope for?  I have enough.  I'm fine.

Wish You Were Here   (Waters, Gilmour) 5:17 

So, so you think you can tell
Heaven from Hell,
Blue skys from pain.
Can you tell a green field
From a cold steel rail?
A smile from a veil?
Do you think you can tell?

And did they get you to trade
Your heros for ghosts?
Hot ashes for trees?
Hot air for a cool breeze?
Cold comfort for change?
And did you exchange
A walk on part in the war
For a lead role in a cage?

How I wish, how I wish you were here.
We're just two lost souls
Swimming in a fish bowl,
Year after year,
Running over the same old ground.
What have we found?
The same old fears.
Wish you were here.